Wakefulness

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." - Rumi

This sun is out, shining her warm growing heat on the earth this morning, and luckily, on me. I am in North Carolina, in Charlotte, the city of my name, and the blossoms are everywhere: redbuds, daffodils, cherry trees! The pale pink snow all over the streets wafting like waves on the streets, in the air.

Ah, spring, your newness is such a gift to me this year. I am so awake to see and ever grateful. I decided a little over two weeks ago to quit drinking red wine. Being really aware is the only way to get the lessons life is trying to teach me right now. Emotions rolling in like waves, and I am not running away. This feels like such an enormous step. How grateful I am for the strength at this very moment to have the courage to stand still and let the waves hit. Sweet center, thank you. Sweet rhythms of earth, thank you.

Solitude

Rosy the RV, where I live, is within hearing distance of this ocean. But this post is about silence. Rosy has become my cave. But a cave of delight now rather than dread. It was here that I grappled with loneliness in a very cold, wet February - when I realized I was completely mateless and alone, for the first time in eight years.

Maybe it is that spring is beginning and the sun is coming out. Or just grace. But I am honestly relishing this completely private space. I am not only learning to truly value my own voice, to love her, to cherish her. I feel the inner peace creeping in, growing strong and proud, like a scar over the wound of this winter. My heart is dancing freer with every day. I hung blue bottles, wrapped with silver wire, in my still naked crepe myrtle tree yesterday. They will move a little in the wind. The Gullah people taught that the evil spirits would be caught in the bottle trees, that the even the color blue protects us.

The German mystic Meister Eckhart, believed that nothing resembles God like silence. John O'Donohue, poet, priest and writer of Anam Cara, a book I am reading now (and quite seduced by) suggested that "the highly strung character of western life was explained by the absence of silence. "When you acknowledge the integrity of your solitude, and settle into its mystery, your relationships with others take on a new warmth, adventure and wonder."

I am called to more integrity. "The duty of priviledge", he said, "is absolute integrity." Wow.

Love Sorrow

Love sorrow. She is yours now, and you must
take care of what has been
given. Brush her hair, help her
into her little coat, hold her hand,
especially when crossing a street. For, think,

what if you should lose her? Then you would be
sorrow yourself; her drawn face, her sleeplessness
would be yours. Take care, touch
her forehead that she feel herself not so

utterly alone. And smile, that she does not
altogether forget the world before the lesson.
Have patience in abundance. And do not
ever lie or ever leave her even for a moment

by herself, which is to say, possibly, again,
abandoned. She is strange, mute, difficult,
sometimes unmanageable but, remember, she is a child.
And amazing things can happen. And you may see,

as the two of you go
walking together in the morning light, how
little by little she relaxes; she looks about her;
she begins to grow.

"Love Sorrow" is a poem by Mary Oliver, from the book, Red Bird, that was given to me last summer by my long time sweetheart, just as our love got lost. Funny. He is a poet, and learned to love her poems because I began to love them. Part of kissing an old love goodbye is welcoming sorrow and grief and that wounded child, too, that shows up all pouty out of the blue. Mary Oliver, whose work sustains me over and over, describes just what I have been trying to do.

What a surprise to find this poem only tonight, seven months later, in the book he gave me. Maybe that is love after all. The gift of these healing words is just that.

Rubies, Rubies, everywhere.

Solvitur Ambulando . It is solved by walking. That's what the saint named Augustine said, so that's what I did.

Today the sun came out. Blue blue blue of sky. Yellow cups of jonquils peeking from every clump of green. I am in Raleigh staying at my daughter's, in the intimate neighborhood called Five Points. I am holed up in my own oh so sweet suite - complete with a view of the garden and my own 1920's bathtub. This is a healing place for me, and I am grateful about everything right this minute.

So, in keeping with the admonition, and as the sun began to wane, I went for a walk in the neighborhood with the two beautiful dogs, my Italian Greyhound, Beau, and Hadley's tiny Yorkie, Nutkin. The area is a delightful one, with an old pharmacy, The Hayes-Barton Grill, decorated with posters of Hollywood stars of the 1940's,serving desserts like "Ava Gardner's Delight." There is an art movie house, with one enormous screen showing Crazy Heart tonight. Since I have been that lately, I am walking back down there right now, to see it.

Oh, the ruby slippers! So on the return home, down and around lanes of old bungalows, my feet stumbled upon a lost ruby, a necklace, fallen from grace, that somehow found itself tangled in my toes. A shining red ruby-like jewel suddenly stared up at me from the sidewalk. Like the story of the Arabian Knights tripping on the handle that held the lid that covered the jewels. Or like Dorothy's ruby slippers. In my hands, I now held a shining red jewel, a gift from the universe.

It said, yes, click those heels girl. Get on with it.

Dreams and Visions

"(Wo)man forgets that God reveals himself to us in dreams and visions. - Carl Jung

My delightful daughter, Hadley, is now all into Martha Beck, the writer and life coach. She is learning life lesson tools, and I, lucky Mama, am getting free coaching lessons, as a practice perk. All those years of teenage angst seem centuries ago, for this winter, this amazing woman, flesh of my flesh, has given me back some priceless gifts during one of the wintry-est winters of my life.

One of them is Martha Beck's quite simple dream analysis, one based on the work of Carl Jung. The cool thing about this funny and brilliant woman, is that she breaks down complex ideas into usable chunks. Lists. And I thought I knew all this. Nah.

This is my dream: I am sleeping in a bed with my former lover. We broke up over the summer after seven years and a half years, and it just ain't as easy as it sounds, even for a grandmother. Especially for a romance addict drugged by a poet. We get up to go, but I am all into this lovely dream meditation about Juliana of Norwich, who wrote these amazing words: " All shall be well, All shall be well, and All manner of things shall be well." Hmmm. Simple. Well, I had been reading all about her, and her writing, and really loving all this talk about love. She had 16 visions in about 1360 AD in England, and spent the rest of her life writing about what she learned. Love love love. Not bad. For me, that talk was like water to a thirsty heart.

Anyway, in the dream, I can't find my shoes to go, and I am not in a hurry, because this pleasure of being with Juliana's words is too wonderful. It feels so peaceful, and soothing: all this talk about love, with my 'missing lover' out there toward the car, about to leave. There is a rope or a tool somewhere I am looking for. So in the meantime, in my dream, I look out and the car is gone. My old love has left.

In my old way of looking at this dream, it was telling me the old lover has left. Duh. He has a new girlfriend he seems smitten by, who he found within days of my breaking it off. So much for seven years, even though I created this, and for reasons that incubated for years. That felt so, well, yucky. But that is not it! The Martha Beck scenario has you give each object in your dream a role and YOU are it. I am the old lover now.

Each object, sequence, person, was me. As me, I must give each object, action or person three adjectives. The adjectives I had written down were gone, elusive, and invisible. Then, describe how each part comes to my aid, how each part of the dream wants to help me.

Wow. Instead of the old love not even liking me anymore - how sad, for anyone, the story I now get to tell myself, is that he is leaving so I can have more of this sweet, sweet time with my meditations about the wonder of a mystic, Juliana of Norwich. Because it is me, giving me, exactly what I wanted!

Sweet Mother God. Give me more dreams and visions.